“You run away from grief until it finds you in the middle of a sunny day”

I can’t believe it’s been 15 years without you. It still doesn’t feel real. Sometimes it hits me all over again, like no time has passed at all. In some ways the years flew by. In others it’s felt like an entire lifetime without you.

2024 came and went. Nothing big happened. No major milestones. But my mind has been loud.

Turning 25 messed with my head. The second the day hit, I couldn’t shake the thought that in five years I’ll be the same age you were when you left. I’d never thought of that before. It completely stopped me. I think about how different our lives are, how much has changed since you’ve been gone. And the older I get, the more I understand the pain you must have carried. I’ve had those dark moments too. I’ve sat in that silence. I get it now in a way I never wanted to.

Grief is brutal. It changes shape every day. Some days I carry it quietly like a stone in my pocket. Other days it knocks the air out of me. A smell. A song. A stupid memory. And suddenly I’m that little kid again, begging the universe to send you home. I used to think grief was something you got over. Something you move past. But you don’t. You just learn how to live around it. How to keep going with a piece of you missing. People call that healing. I think it’s just survival.

You’re still with me in everything. In the way I smile. In the way I fight through. In the way I still look for signs when things fall apart.

The only thing that really broke me this year was Liam Payne dying. I know that might sound silly and maybe you wouldn’t get it but One Direction were everything to me after you died. Their songs kept me company when the house felt too quiet. Losing one of them felt like losing another safe place. It reminded me just how unfair life is. How fast it can all disappear.

I still miss you. That’s never changed. I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could ask you things. I wish I could hear your laugh just one more time. People say time heals but it doesn’t. It just teaches you how to live with the hole. And I’ve been doing my best to build something around it. To build a life you’d be proud of.

Every time I achieve something. Every time I get through a hard day. It’s for you. You’re still my reason.

I love you forever and always. My guardian angel. 💖