Dear Mum… (part 13)

13 years, how time flies! Every year gets harder and easier at the same time. My memories of you are slowly fading, every year I forget a little more about you. I don’t know whether it’s the trauma of losing you or just my bad memory.

Your little Ben turns 18 this year, you’d be so proud of him. He looks exactly like you too, I wish you could’ve been here to see it. Your girls are also thriving, I wish everyday that you’d be here to see us all flourish and get through the trials and tribulations of life but you’re not.

I will forever wonder what life would’ve been like if you graced us with your presence a little longer, I think it’d all be so different. Part of me would kill for you to be by my side everyday being my biggest cheerleader but I know that you weren’t meant to be. I believe everything happens for a reason and as much as I would like you to be here with me I think you leaving us when you did changed my life forever.

Granted living through the loss was probably the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my whole 23 years of existence but you dying has made me realise the bad and good things about me. It made me learn how to deal with loss and depression, all that fun stuff that everyone loves to chat about.

Some days I feel like I’ve kept it together for everyone for so long but I slowly feel myself falling off the edge. There’s always the feeling of there’s something missing. Like my life is never fulfilled, a gap left in my heart and in my head. It always feels like me against the world. It’s really hard when everyone sees you as a light in life and the most sociable person possible yet all’s I want to do is curl up in a ball in my room and speak to nobody. When I get these thoughts it reminds me of you and how you were feeling during what happened to you. It reminds me of how strong you were. I don’t have children to look after, I just have myself and even then I find it difficult, I find strength from your struggles and it pulls me right back out of my silly little depression pit.

You were so strong, I hope you know that. You were a fighter but it all got a bit too much and that’s okay. I am at peace with it and I hope you are too.

On Mother’s Day nan sent me a message and it honestly made me cry a little (which I don’t do often these days). She said “I love it that when you enter a room everyone knows you are there!!! just like your mum used too” and it broke my heart. It’s an honour to get compared to your fun loving attitude. A few years ago I hated getting compared to you as it made me think that I was just a burden in everyone’s lives, making them always think of you. It hurt. Now I thrive on that, knowing that I bring that piece of you with me wherever I go is so comforting. Thank you for influencing me and my character, you always knew how to light up a room and I’m thankful that is something that I’ve inherited 💖

Love you forever and always,

Your fave little girl (don’t tell the others x)

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