Dear Mum,

Another year, another letter to you.

It’s that time of the year again. I’d like to say have you missed me? but you can’t even read these because you’re dead. Sorry that was in poor taste, bet you’d still be laughing at it though.

I feel like these get less and less depressing every year and I don’t know whether it’s because I’m kinda dealing better with the fact you’re gone after 12 years or I’ve run out of things to be sad about. It seems like a literal lifetime ago now. I don’t even remember much of you anymore. That’s the saddest part. Each year I have fewer and fewer memories of you to reminisce about. It sucks. I see stuff all the time and I’m like mum would’ve loved that yet you had to die. I can’t even send you any funny memes I find.

I think the thing that’s been hitting hard on me recently is the number of times I hear off everyone that I look like you. Every morning I wake up and I see bits of your face in mine and it hurts. It’s like you’re looking right at me sometimes especially when I catch myself off guard on a shiny surface. It sometimes feels like every time someone who loved you looks at me they see you and that brings back all sorts of memories for them and it makes me feel bad.

There’s this picture at nans house on her wall that pains me every time I see it. It was I think the twins birthday and we took a nice family photo. I think it’s the only one that’s got us all in except grandad. You’re there smiling as always. I’m there with happy birthday confetti stuck to my face because tony told me it’d be funny to lick it and then stick it to my face. Everyone else is around us smiling. I look at you in that photo and I see myself. Every time I see it catches me off guard. I think it hurts the most that you were going through such a hard time that we as kids didn’t know about, yet you’re putting a smile on your face for us. It makes me think of all the times I’ve done that to protect other people from me being a burden.

As I’ve gotten older though the more I realise why you did what you did. Like I get it now. I didn’t when I was a kid because what kid gets that kinda stuff you know? but now I get it. I don’t hate you one bit for it either. You had to go and that’s okay. I just dislike the fact that so many of the things that impacted you have impacted my outlook on life as an adult.

Anyway, I’m doing far better than I was in last years letter/ my weird way of coping with this. I have a job I don’t hate going to which is pretty cool. I feel like my life is sorta getting together so it is going pretty well. That’s literally the only thing that has changed. I feel like this year is my year though. I can feel it in my BONES. The pandemic really just messed up these past few years, I have done nothing exciting. I think you would’ve gone crazy if you were stuck in a house with us all. I still haven’t graduated. Still waiting on that one. Hopefully, it’ll be in the summer. What are we betting I trip up or fall over on stage?

I don’t have much to say to you and I feel BAD. but this past year has just been really chilled, to be honest. Really nothing too exciting has happened, I wish I could tell you more but there’s nothing to tell. I was about to say I hope you’re okay but you’re dead so I guess not.

Miss you,

from your fave daughter (soz guys)

Flobber Bobber 🙂

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